“life is nothing..”
nothing but conclusions,
conclusive to the doors we open
and what we’ve reached
at the foot of the stairs, some mystery
that is our own
because we own it, and yet
we owe it something: a smile, a decision, perhaps
a beginning, a beginning to put our hand on the handle,
poised in front of the door frame
framing our thoughts, our mind set,
set to do something in this life, maybe to this life,
turn it upside down, if we can,
or maybe (actually) right side up,
even if it means turning our guts inside out,
out of the room we’re in
and into this time,
the time ahead of this, of us.
because we know we choose our fate
and because we know
we chose this door
ahead of us, with our hands on the handle,
we take a deep breath
and turn the knob,
open the door,
and step forward.

i would
i’d said so,
and in so saying
she brought it up
to my attention
that i would be doing so
because i had said
i’d pay
especially now
when i was saying that
i had been
planning
on saving for it, and her
attention
had been worth saying
something
and saving for
a raining day
when i had said, i had not
planned ahead
just close enough
to touch her
and in so saying,
brought myself
to this,
and she pointed out
all i had said
and i was
in not so many words
bound to her
even
ever after
the fact that her smile
had not been worth saving.

Didn’t you say didn’t you say that I would or that you would that one of us would and I said right back to you that both of us would meaning that we were both doing it at the same time and it wasn’t just didn’t you just say that me or you and I said right back to you that it didn’t matter which of us because we both didn’t you just why didn’t you say what I said or least think it out loud because I wasn’t thinking about it when I had said it just kind of fell out of my mouth like words like didn’t you just say something to the effect that it was only me or only you and it wasn’t both of us’
And I’m supposed to like it didn’t make a difference like it could be turned around into not making a difference like I didn’t know there was a I’m supposed to turn it all around to before it would make a difference like it never happened to right back inside out and maybe flip it over you thought it was that simple like I’m supposed to just walk away you thought it was that simple to think I could just walk away with everything having been turned inside out and forget it I was supposed to turn it inside out turn my guts inside out like it never I was supposed to believe you were saying this shit to me like you were giving instructions like you had other people do this before turning my guts inside out like it didn’t make a difference to run it all around like it might have been easy for you like I’m not supposed to think that you did this all the time.
It couldn’t have it couldn’t have been that time when it couldn’t have been that time when we had said something about it and we had nothing else to it couldn’t have been that of all things it couldn’t have been that time when we had started talking about it and we just kind of lost steam with it and we were left with this big silence with the lake in the park in front of us it couldn’t have it could have been then when we were by it but not when we were sitting on the bench in front of it could have been later on when we left things like that it couldn’t have been when we had nothing to say after what we said, could it’
You asked if there was a difference between you and me other than the obvious when we made love and I said that I didn’t think there were any and you didn’t seem too happy with it and I kind of fell over myself and I tried to look for something else to say to at least move it from this point and I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong even though you said you were perfectly content with what I had said but I thought you didn’t think that and maybe that I shouldn’t have answered maybe you weren’t really asking me a question maybe all along you had wanted to say something on your own and I cut you off with something so promising and fanciful and silly and heart breaking that you were sad and you didn’t want to break my heart with what you really wanted to say of the differences between you and I and so you fell quiet and I fell over myself and sat across from the lake in the park in the silence and I finally thought quietly to myself not now too soon not this now so soon.

to breathe the breath that will be the last.
how complex the grammar of it:
-inhale,
holding between the thought
&
throat.
(to relish as if wine aged by years two feet have stood)
flicker that everything,
?matters, has mattered, will no longer matter, past mattering,?
to an extent.
the lingering of everything was enough by never being, “enough,
but,
it happened.?
(many much more of this and that than this)
probably holding for a minute more, then,
surely, frustrated, desperate, done-
-exhale.

our first night, i had confused myself
to the point where my dick couldn’t get hard,
like it was past warranty or i just came
in from a jog, shrunken and tight, bashful.
she said to me then: “..don’t confuse this with anyone else.
we’re the only two people in this room..”
because she knew it was turning into something
at such a speed that it looked blurry and i couldn’t recognize the details,
only the sound of it, and when i had tuned in
she was already leaving.
i had left it at that, a ‘nothing i can do’,
still loving the way she hung her smile
until, a week later, she had shown up at my door leaving
not herself but a thing, a thank you
for what i was burying amongst others.
she was convinced: i had a hang up and she didn’t
want to hurt anyone.
but a few weeks later in a bar, she was dancing and i had to say hello.
despite the honorable thing i did by turning my back on her right after,
she hugged me twice, like it meant something,
like it was easy for me to feel her body, slowly sticking her tongue in my mouth,
but she could tell i wanted her more often than that
and so, for her, that was the end of it.
…but here she was now, i’d bumped into her again, talking about how nice my lips were,
saying, “..i’m not bullshitting you, it’s what i’m really thinking. this is me,
this is mireya.”
(like it could start spinning again.)
so i kept my eye away from her by talking
to her friend because her friend more or less didn’t give a shit
and that’s what makes it easier to stand
on this side of every inch that she keeps between us.