ok, sometimes you have to feel like you are getting fucked with: I just lost a year’s worth of writing, not that it was much, you know how it’s been. But there were some real flashes there, some shimmer of something that I could eventually have gotten around to or something at the very least to look back on and say, yeah, I did that, it could’ve been more but I’ve moved on to bigger things.
A year’s worth, from June of 05 to May. And this week of all week’s too, where I was doing, doing and doing it wild for the last five days.
I blew the drives on Planetary, the server, and almost lost EVERYTHING: music, photos, my makeshift dvd of our wedding. Almost. I brought those back and just when I had though I had all my bases covered, I had never backed up the web log and now it’s gone,
to make matters worse, this is the second time I am starting this. The first was cut off right there in the middle of the third paragraph, right at the point where…
I was writing about how writing like this was a better thing in the end, or the beginning, or a returning to the roots, what bullshit- it never mattered where and that was the point, remember the typewriter, that bulky menacing thing, even taking it outside to write in that little enclosed porch your parents had, writing in the night, mad mad poet that you were are will be again.
How about just plain old mad as in crazy and not mad as in angry. How about that for the next year or too.
A whole year gone, little that it was, but it was there, it was something and now it’s gone. I don’t feel sad about it, just stupid, stupid because I should feel sad because I should have written more to be upset about. But because I hadn’t because I didn’t, I don’t feel much of anything. Only a vague sense of loss.
2:00AM My grandfather, after whom Ioanna is named after, after whom a number of sons in the family are name after, has just had another heart attack and quite possibly a stroke. Although his condition has been stabilized, he was awoken and there’s talk of brain damage. My father is leaving for Florida as soon possible.