why are we all desperate for the approval of others? why is that? why are we still hungry for the attention of our fathers and resent our mothers?
how is it we are perfect chameleons and charmers and yet have trouble peering into our own souls? why we are driven by distraction and completely lack any discipline?
how is it we can love so quickly and completely and then turn away as if nothing happened at all?
(to this day i close my eyes and i see his last breath. i open my eyes and he’s tossing my mother across the room. i blink and he was gone, just like that. i run, and i see myself being terrified, bringing him coffee when i was four. i run out of breath, and he touches me gently, telling me he loves me, he will always be my father. i close my eyes, and my mother tends to her broken face in the mirror. i open my eyes, and i’m telling his brother they can have his body and do whatever they want with it after he is gone, until then he was under my care. i blink, and they are asking if they should re-inflate his right lung. i go to sleep, and i consent to take him off the machines. i am haunted, i watch him die again and again and he never sees what i turned out to be)