blitz, you did not tell us, did not tell me
why didn’t you tell me, what sort of monster i was
and would become?
did you know? you knew didn’t you?
you saw it and did not tell
was it because there would be no stopping it
or that it would be my choice?
to face myself as i am
shattered and smashed and ugly
love without stopping, cruelty without stopping
a damage machine, nails for tears and blades for lips
hulking beast beyond all reckoning
resting for thirst, begging for rust

i push
myself, that extra inch and i feel
wounds open again and i
want them
to open, i want them to stay
open
heal only to tear
again, the question is,
do you really want to heal? that much
harder, i twist
and turn and
stretch and twist
again
and it shoots right through me,
angry, happy, electrified ants
here is your arm dear, look how pretty it is, here
is your arm
i do not want to heal right
away, i do not want to heal
the right way
a million little tears, like streaks
of blood down my arm
first few drops
before
rain

i am in some new space, so raw and ill defined
boundless, i can see the horizon up close and yet very far
i’ve been so far from home and only getting further
what strange landscape is this, all gravel and rocks and wind
dead trees and cracked pavement, twisted road
all for comfort, all this i find comfort
bleached sky, no trace of sun
just endless white, the ghost of a dying moon just to the left
have i always been here all along, is this where the roar comes from?
have i finally come home, to this place, to this barren place?
jagged edges and plains wide and spectacular, impossible on the eyes
hard surfaces and forever, dust and life eternal
ageless in the face of pain, of sorrow, of happiness, and rage
as if it all began and ended in this scorpion’s tail
perched before my lips, akin, kin, little brother, little sister
is this where i’ve always belonged? have you missed me?

i look down the cuts in his arm,
not “on”, but “in”
what new thing have i become?
he wonders idly, what if,
what if now, the morning after, i pry each wound re-open,
what if i piss on my arm, what if i smear my shit over the wounds
spiders or leeches or metal shavings
what if what if what if-
what of it?
what new sense is this, what new boundary drawn around me?
i look in the cuts of my arm
not “at”, but “in”
like some new orifice, some new mouth
some new voice speaking to me
revealed suddenly as if some virgin moment
grounding me once again
same as i never was

the all-at-once, breathing everywhere, where have i been, the all-at-once being, cannot make sense of it, breathing, remember to breathe, did you breathe before this, before taking this on, did you forget to breathe, where have you been breathing, stop breathing, stop breathing like this, pushing it down, push it down, the hand on the chest, holding it there, pushing, holding it there, hold it there, breathing, have you breathed today, hold that one breath, everywhere, the all-at-once, one last breath, one last hand pushing, push it down without breathing, crush it down, crush this last breath, without stopping, turning away, stop turning away, stop breathing, one last time, let it go, let it go all-at-once, never let it be all-at-once, just be all-at-once, at all sides, the swirl everywhere, where can i go, further than this, where further this breathing, how to breathe further than this, without stopping, how do i go on without stopping all-at-once?