deny it all you want: desire lingers like a stain. years go by and there’s no erasing it, a scar on the skin that only fades but turns a brilliant white in the sun. i tried to turn away from you out of fear, out of an imagined loneliness only to find myself in you. shattered meat, a ghost of a man, held together by your belief, your religious tenacity to never let us go.
Monthly Archives: March 2008
bypass squid in ipcop
in rc.firewall.local
start rule:
/sbin/iptables -t nat -A CUSTOMPREROUTING -p tcp –dport 80 -d www.qrz.com -j ACCEPT
reload rule:
/sbin/iptables -t nat -F CUSTOMPREROUTING
/sbin/iptables -t nat -A CUSTOMPREROUTING -p tcp –dport 80 -d www.qrz.com -j ACCEPT
stop rule:
/sbin/iptables -t nat -F CUSTOMPREROUTING
restart by ./etc/rc.d/rc.firewall.local start
i can’t speak it
i can’t speak it, a shudder in the chest, fingers climbing out from the throat. a gasping, scratching. the things that should not be said, the things i never say, the torture of this skin, the haunting i feel in the night. a longing for entropy, for oblivion.
even this boy, he tells me in the dark, even this is a choice.
remorse
it’s a mixed bag, cement dust to be watered and withered petals to be crushed. i can feel her change, i can feel it fall apart, like a sigh down my back. clouds over a window sill. shadows breaking for sun, my throat cracks into nonsense. i am lost, so utterly lost in despair. fit to be hung, i broke the one thing that mattered to me most, the one thing that kept me from disappearing.
city bone skin
hand me downs, rusty spoon, frayed blanket, a pair of jeans worn thin. i walk around and through sidewalks cracked upward, uneven streets tarred over countless times. patchwork. in the distance, the city beckons, nostalgia. never lonely only alone in a city of millions. and a comfort in that, a dire comfort for restless bones and weathered skin.
choice thing
a sense of normalcy, a return, nothing i ever was, some new thing that is quite old. i am not who i was years ago, i am not the sulking thing who awoke from nightmares to catch his breath. some new terrible thing that is no longer resigned. some new terrible thing that knows that all kindness is a choice, that all hate is a choice. the favorite things, the loved things, breathing. constant, over and again. a power there, the only true one, once forgotten. some new monstrous thing, not quite as powerless as i thought i once was.
out and about
Life’s a bitch, but God forbid if the bitch divorce me -Nas, Affirmative Action
and so here we go out the door and onto the avenues, the boulevards, the mad yawning streets. here we go again with much trespass, armed and willing, kicking open the mouths of strangers full of remorse and stealing their tongues. it could always be better than this, we could make it better than this and we laugh hysterically because we’ve run out of liquor and our knuckles bruised from punching the bricks. and he says to me, wiping the spit with his sleeve, he says, i wouldn’t give this up for anything.
when i was your age II
when i was your age we did not have telephones that fit into our pockets, we talked to one another and looked at our friends faces when we spoke and saw how our words rattled around in their heads and came back out in differing tones and pitch and in turn we were rattled into laughing or crying or into incredible acts of violence or love until someone spoke again.
where the nails were
it is easier to come in from the cold than to go into it. simple, like water quenching thirst. a crisp breeze that cuts through you slowly, a saw blade without sound. i would hammer this into its place if i knew where the nails were.
mallet and walls
through the spine like a mallet that rips into dreaming a shattering of the bones clear through and i watch you disassemble into your withered parts a strand of hair here a lip there your hips swaying onto the ground and a thud that rocks me into waking into a pale white room with stained walls and the day clear like the window to an execution.