thinking this, wound up, unthinking, unfeeling, the bridge across, the gap divide. she says, you do not miss me and i tell her i am on the other side of this very long bridge and i long for you, i long to be near you but i do not know how to cross it.
Monthly Archives: May 2008
cooperating with entropy
you cannot bound chaos, you cannot fight chaos.
you must cooperate with entropy -Don Byrd, Abstraction
you cannot fight chaos, you are chaos, the dance, the misstep
the gloss smeared across her lips, the snap of your knee
rhythm of pain made for two, gleeful cacophony
like mad seagulls looking for the sea
flotsam
the ups and downs of this of this thing in my head an ebb and flow of a relentless ride and jam the flotsam and jetsam I am at its beck and call broken over and over again only to find myself reassembled on the shore.
he says to me, wiping the sea salt from my eyes, as sure as you’ll drown you’re bound to come up for air again.
jags where everything is just terrible
you get into jags where everything is just terrible, or you are. something or nothing, the lack of aggression congregates you into puddles of obsession where the muck and mire cloud your judgment and skewer your confidence. why are other days better than this? play like you mean it or don’t play at all. the hesitation is costly, from both within and without. not everyone is tricky even if some are. either way you can back out of everything. just settle down and be calm. think before acting, think before the click. muck and mire all this, again and again, as it never was.
the condition
the unnatural condition of lying in wait for petals the softest skin the firm kiss of a lover’s broken lips set in the foreheads of children riding on trains that lead to chocolate happiness and mountains upon mountains of eagerness and pulse.
almost there
she says, i’m getting old. i look at myself, i’m getting thinner. our daughter cries as we leave her behind. in the city, walking, eating, talking. almost there again. easy drive, easy parking. sushi, open air exhibition and the sun, the sun, the sun. days like this, many years ago. almost.
desperately need
i don’t know where i go, but i go somewhere and then suddenly i am here, my lungs can breathe, i am out of the murk, the lines sharpen. i do not know where i go my love, but i went and i now back. i can’t quite explain it, the cloudiness and detachment, the thickness between me and everything else, the immobility, the sterile detachment. and in those moments i am so lost and alone, and i look at you and her and the little one and i am overwhelmed because i am so far away and i want to be near, i so desperately need to be here.
i prey for you
i leave you tattered and reckless, your life in shambles, dirt under your nails. i pray for you. she says, i prey for you and digs her fingers up behind my jaw and tugs me near. i prey for you.
without worth
how do i explain to her the desire for the avalanche karma, the yearning for release, the breaking of skin? how do i explain to her that i want to be broken open, i want to be beaten so i can feel my bones ache? how do i explain to her that i feel locked in this skin, that i am sealed in and i cannot find a way out? i love her, i love my children, my god how do i love them, they are wondrous and mysterious. i am flawed and ugly and without worth.
understand none of it
everything i breathe comes from this line of sight through the cracks of doors and slits of throats. she puts a sticker underneath his tongue. he pulls on his foot, draws his sock into his mouth. she rubs her breasts to loosen their grip from her muscle. i smoke fiendishly and point and click. he prepares a room for his unborn child. she has stopped complaining about the pain in her lower back. she takes pills because her heart is racing while sitting in the rain. days and days go by where i don’t shower: the clothes peel off of me. she takes a jump rope and whips it endlessly. he reaches for her hand to pull himself free of the floor. she waits for him while he calls another woman. she contemplates retirement because her daughter is moving away. her son lays listlessly with a joint in his hand. he leaves his father’s grave with tracks in the mud. and i understand none of it.