how do i explain to her the desire for the avalanche karma, the yearning for release, the breaking of skin? how do i explain to her that i want to be broken open, i want to be beaten so i can feel my bones ache? how do i explain to her that i feel locked in this skin, that i am sealed in and i cannot find a way out? i love her, i love my children, my god how do i love them, they are wondrous and mysterious. i am flawed and ugly and without worth.