i don’t know where i go, but i go somewhere and then suddenly i am here, my lungs can breathe, i am out of the murk, the lines sharpen. i do not know where i go my love, but i went and i now back. i can’t quite explain it, the cloudiness and detachment, the thickness between me and everything else, the immobility, the sterile detachment. and in those moments i am so lost and alone, and i look at you and her and the little one and i am overwhelmed because i am so far away and i want to be near, i so desperately need to be here.