i no longer dream, i weep.
she comes to me in the night, she stands rigid, afraid. she no longer knows how to look at me. sometimes.
she says, sometimes i breathe and i can almost smell you, the way you would when you came out of the shower, clean and freshly born and i’d want nothing but to feel that coolness, to feel clean and new in your arms.
and i interrupt her, but i’m not clean anymore, right? what’s your fucking point? i crush the pencil in my hand, rip out another another page.
no, she says, you are not clean. she touches my brow, you’re drowning and i cannot find you. she kisses my temple, looks me in the eye. i will not.
Monthly Archives: August 2008
heist
you dirty fucker, why don’t you get to it, what are you fucking waiting for?
and i told him the time had to be right, the money wasn’t there yet, the teller wasn’t ready yet, there were too many people looking, waiting, i tell him anything to get him to calm down, to keep him from ripping his hair out, from ripping the seams off the leather seats.
but the truth was we were waiting a really long time for her and still, nothing. she must’ve known with her lunatic brother on board that this was going to happen sooner or later, and sooner was better before he lost his shit.
i was just losing my nerve.
the rift
and here, here we were, how has it been? to begin again, out there, in the dusk of fall. sitting on the porch i see the chalk lines my daughter has left: tales of anger and boredom: she is her father’s daughter. such rage for all of four. who am i, who am i, i’ve lost her, i’ve lost him, adrift. i am adrift. i am the rift, i am the absence of all that you were.
money scramble
it has been miles since I’ve written: miles since I’ve engaged with the process long enough to produce something substantial, perhaps even meaningful.
it feels as if it has been weeks since I’ve seen the sun even though I’ve stared straight into it from behind dust thick blinds. I am blind and wounded and beyond repair.
I tell her in the dark: when we come into money it’ll be easier. I whisper, it’ll be hard at first, but you’ll be better off.
Scrambling in the pale light she asks, what does that mean? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
imaginary linger
He says to me in the dark,
(always in the dark when he is closest to me, ghost hand well placed on my desk, a mouth full of ashes beside my ear, he says,)
I don’t know what’s worse: that it was all in my imagination
or that you still linger in mine.
weeded
Weeds have taken over his life, they’re everywhere, in his yard, in his mind, in his teeth. The dentist peers in, fingers the gumline, sticks in his fist, tugs the front row. He laughs, well what can I say, your gums are lousy. My neighbors argue midday into the street, she says to him, I am disgusted with you, I can’t even look at you; and their dog squats over my curb and we all watch helplessly. Even now, any random phone call brings it all to a head.
vague meat
spent, he lies and tells you where he’s been. nowhere special, she says, and lies, lazy hand across his forehead. i’m so thirsty, you tell him. he laughs at me. she told you to say that, didn’t she. i told him nothing, she says, drapes a hand across your shoulder. i shudder and push down the hunger to rip them all up.
something like this, all day long.
Top 10 Bizarre Body Mods
Top 10 Bizarre Body Modifications
Published on August 17, 2008
[This list contains text that some may not consider family friendly] Many of us have had piercing in the ears and probably quite a number of us have piercing in other less common parts of the body, but there are some people who have outright bizarre piercing and other body modifications. It was certainly not an easy task to find “safe” pictures for this list – but I have done my best!
10.Branding
Human branding is the process in which a mark, usually a symbol or ornamental pattern, is burned into the skin of a living person, with the intention that the resulting scar makes it permanent. This is performed using a hot or cold iron. It therefore uses the physical techniques of livestock branding on a human.
9.Subdermal Implant
A subdermal implant refers to a kind of body jewelry that is placed underneath the skin, therefore allowing the body to heal over the implant and creating a raised design. Many people who have these implants use them in conjunction with other types of body modification to create a desired, dramatic effect.
8.Earlobe Stretching
Most people can stretch to at least 2ga (1/4″) and still have the tissue return to normal when they remove the jewelry, but there really are no guarantees. Don’t stretch your ears unless you are certain you’ll be okay with it forever. Once the elastic limit of the skin has been passed, or a large amount of additional tissue has been built up, the hole will not close again completely. A person who is either obsessed with stretching their piercings, or with showing off their many stretched piercings, is known as a “Gauge Queen”. Some wear this term with pride, others use it derisively.
7.Tongue Splitting
Tongue bifurcation, or tongue splitting, is a type of body modification in which the tongue is cut centrally from its tip part of the way towards its base, forking the end. In most cases, the split is created through scalpeling or surgical laser. Self modifiers often choose to achieve a split by gradually tightening nylon bindings inserted through an existing tongue piercing over a long period of time. This method is long, arduous, and requires a high pain tolerance.
6.Tooth Filing
Tooth filing is a form of body modification in which people file their natural teeth to create a desired look or shape.
5.Tightlacing
Also called corset training and waist training, this is the practice of wearing a tightly-laced corset to achieve extreme modifications to the figure and posture and experience the sensations of a very tight corset. Those who practice tightlacing are called tightlacers. Some tightlacers call the corsets they wear training corsets.
4.Pearling
This is the practice of permanently inserting small beads made of various materials beneath the skin of the genitals–of the labia, or of the shaft or foreskin of the penis. As well as being an aesthetic practice, this is usually intended to enhance the sexual pleasure of partners during vaginal or anal intercourse. The practice seems to have been fairly common across world cultures and is still done today. You can see a VERY Not Safe For Work image here.
3.Corneal tattooing
Eyeball tattooing has been around for a long time; in the 19th century it was commonly used to correct cosmetic defects in blind eyes. The procedure can be performed with traditional tattoo needle or a syringe. The eye is simply held open while the pigment, which is the exact same type used in a regular tattoo, is injected into the eyeball.
2.Anal stretching
The process of anal stretching is a lot like earlobe stretching, except you don’t wear the “jewelry” around the clock. Like stretching a piercing, it involves slow and increasingly larger play over an extended period of time. The image above is for “tools” to aid in this modification.
1.Extraocular Implant
The implantation of jewelry in the outer layer of the eye, this is one I must admit I had not heard of. Apparently first done in the Netherlands, it has come to the US. According to Dr. Christopher Rapuano, a corneal surgeon at Philadelphia’s Wills Eye Hospital, “You can think of it as crazy. I mean this is invasive surgery where you are cutting the surface layer of the eye open to put a little piece of jewelry in. The first time I read about this I said, ‘Oh, my God, who is doing this?'” The safety of this procedure will have to prove itself over time, since it hasn’t been performed on many people, but the possibility for infection and complications is definitely there.
Bonus Pierced Glasses
James Sooy and Oliver Gibson have come up with Pierced Glasses – the most minimalist eyewear since the Pince-nez was invented in the 1840’s. I would not have believed this one if I had not seen it with my own bespectacled eyes.
Notable omissions: penis splitting (try finding a SFW image for that!)
The Top 10 Evil
Top 10 Evil Human Experiments
Published on March 14, 2008
[WARNING] This list contains descriptions and images of human experimentation which may cause offense to some readers.] Human experimentation and research ethics evolved over time. On occasion, the subjects of human experimentation have been prisoners, slaves, or even family members. In some notable cases, doctors have performed experiments on themselves when they have been unwilling to risk the lives of others. This is known as self-experimentation. This is a list of the 10 most evil and unethical experiments carried out on humans.
10. Stanford Prison Experiment
The Stanford prison experiment was a psychological study of human responses to captivity and its behavioral effects on both authorities and inmates in prison. The experiment was conducted in 1971 by a team of researchers led by psychologist Philip Zimbardo at Stanford University. Undergraduate volunteers played the roles of both guards and prisoners living in a mock prison in the basement of the Stanford psychology building.
Prisoners and guards rapidly adapted to their roles, stepping beyond the boundaries of what had been predicted and leading to dangerous and psychologically damaging situations. One-third of the guards were judged to have exhibited “genuine” sadistic tendencies, while many prisoners were emotionally traumatized and two had to be removed from the experiment early. Finally, Zimbardo, alarmed at the increasingly abusive anti-social behavior from his subjects, terminated the entire experiment early.
9. The Monster Study
The Monster Study was a stuttering experiment on 22 orphan children in Davenport, Iowa, in 1939 conducted by Wendell Johnson at the University of Iowa. Johnson chose one of his graduate students, Mary Tudor, to conduct the experiment and he supervised her research. After placing the children in control and experimental groups, Tudor gave positive speech therapy to half of the children, praising the fluency of their speech, and negative speech therapy to the other half, belittling the children for every speech imperfection and telling them they were stutterers. Many of the normal speaking orphan children who received negative therapy in the experiment suffered negative psychological effects and some retained speech problems during the course of their life. Dubbed “The Monster Study” by some of Johnson’s peers who were horrified that he would experiment on orphan children to prove a theory, the experiment was kept hidden for fear Johnson’s reputation would be tarnished in the wake of human experiments conducted by the Nazis during World War II. The University of Iowa publicly apologized for the Monster Study in 2001.
8. Project 4.1
Project 4.1 was the designation for a medical study conducted by the United States of those residents of the Marshall Islands exposed to radioactive fallout from the March 1, 1954 Castle Bravo nuclear test at Bikini Atoll, which had an unexpectedly large yield. For the first decade after the test, the effects were ambiguous and statistically difficult to correlate to radiation exposure: miscarriages and stillbirths among exposed Rongelap women doubled in the first five years after the accident, but then returned to normal; some developmental difficulties and impaired growth appeared in children, but in no clear-cut pattern. In the decades that followed, though, the effects were undeniable. Children began to suffer disproportionately from thyroid cancer (due to exposure to radioiodines), and almost a third of those exposed developed neoplasms by 1974.
As a Department of Energy Committee writing on the human radiation experiments wrote, “It appears to have been almost immediately apparent to the AEC and the Joint Task Force running the Castle series that research on radiation effects could be done in conjunction with the medical treatment of the exposed populations.” The DOE report also concluded that “The dual purpose of what is now a DOE medical program has led to a view by the Marshallese that they were being used as ‘guinea pigs’ in a ‘radiation experiment.'”
7. Project MKULTRA
Project MKULTRA, or MK-ULTRA, was the code name for a CIA mind-control research program, run by the Office of Scientific Intelligence, that began in the early 1950s and continued at least through the late 1960s. There is much published evidence that the project involved the surreptitious use of many types of drugs, as well as other methodologies, to manipulate individual mental states and to alter brain function.
Experiments included administering LSD to CIA employees, military personnel, doctors, other government agents, prostitutes, mentally ill patients, and members of the general public in order to study their reactions. LSD and other drugs were usually administered without the subject’s knowledge and informed consent, a violation of the Nuremberg Code that the U.S. agreed to follow after WWII.
Efforts to “recruit” subjects were often illegal, even discounting the fact that drugs were being administered (though actual use of LSD, for example, was legal in the United States until October 6, 1966). In Operation Midnight Climax, the CIA set up several brothels to obtain a selection of men who would be too embarrassed to talk about the events. The men were dosed with LSD, and the brothels were equipped with one-way mirrors and the “sessions” were filmed for later viewing and study.
In 1973, CIA Director Richard Helms ordered all MKULTRA files destroyed. Pursuant to this order, most CIA documents regarding the project were destroyed, making a full investigation of MKULTRA virtually impossible.
6. The Aversion Project
South Africa’s apartheid army forced white lesbian and gay soldiers to undergo ‘sex-change’ operations in the 1970’s and the 1980’s, and submitted many to chemical castration, electric shock, and other unethical medical experiments. Although the exact number is not known, former apartheid army surgeons estimate that as many as 900 forced ‘sexual reassignment’ operations may have been performed between 1971 and 1989 at military hospitals, as part of a top-secret program to root out homosexuality from the service.
Army psychiatrists aided by chaplains aggressively ferreted out suspected homosexuals from the armed forces, sending them discretely to military psychiatric units, chiefly ward 22 of 1 Military Hospital at Voortrekkerhoogte, near Pretoria. Those who could not be ‘cured’ with drugs, aversion shock therapy, hormone treatment, and other radical ‘psychiatric’ means were chemically castrated or given sex-change operations.
Although several cases of lesbian soldiers abused have been documented so far—including one botched sex-change operation—most of the victims appear to have been young, 16 to 24-year-old white males drafted into the apartheid army.
Dr. Aubrey Levin (the head of the study) is now Clinical Professor in the Department of Psychiatry (Forensic Division) at the University of Calgary’s Medical School. He is also in private practice, as a member in good standing of the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Alberta.
5. North Korean Experimentation
There have been many reports of North Korean human experimentation. These reports show human rights abuses similar to those of Nazi and Japanese human experimentation in World War II. These allegations of human rights abuses are denied by the North Korean government, who claim that all prisoners in North Korea are humanely treated.
One former North Korean woman prisoner tells how 50 healthy women prisoners were selected and given poisoned cabbage leaves, which all the women had to eat despite cries of distress from those who had already eaten. All 50 were dead after 20 minutes of vomiting blood and anal bleeding. Refusing to eat would have meant reprisals against them and their families.
Kwon Hyok, a former prison Head of Security at Camp 22, described laboratories equipped respectively for poison gas, suffocation gas and blood experiments, in which 3 or 4 people, normally a family, are the experimental subjects. After undergoing medical checks, the chambers are sealed and poison is injected through a tube, while “scientists” observe from above through glass. Kwon Hyok claims to have watched one family of 2 parents, a son and a daughter die from suffocating gas, with the parents trying to save the children using mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for as long as they had the strength.
4. Poison laboratory of the Soviets
The Poison laboratory of the Soviet secret services, also known as Laboratory 1, Laboratory 12 and “The Chamber”, was a covert poison research and development facility of the Soviet secret police agencies. The Soviets tested a number of deadly poisons on prisoners from the Gulag (“enemies of the people”), including mustard gas, ricin, digitoxin and many others. The goal of the experiments was to find a tasteless, odorless chemical that could not be detected post mortem. Candidate poisons were given to the victims, with a meal or drink, as “medication”.
Finally, a preparation with the desired properties called C-2 was developed. According to witness testimonies, the victim changed physically, became shorter, weakened quickly, became calm and silent and died within fifteen minutes. Mairanovsky brought to the laboratory people of varied physical condition and ages in order to have a more complete picture about the action of each poison.
In addition to human experimentation, Mairanovsky personally executed people with poisons, under the supervision of Pavel Sudoplatov.
3. The Tuskegee Syphilis Study
The Tuskegee Study of Untreated Syphilis in the Negro Male was a clinical study, conducted between 1932 and 1972 in Tuskegee, Alabama, in which 399 (plus 201 control group without syphilis) poor — and mostly illiterate — African American sharecroppers were denied treatment for Syphilis.
This study became notorious because it was conducted without due care to its subjects, and led to major changes in how patients are protected in clinical studies. Individuals enrolled in the Tuskegee Syphilis Study did not give informed consent and were not informed of their diagnosis; instead they were told they had “bad blood” and could receive free medical treatment, rides to the clinic, meals and burial insurance in case of death in return for participating. In 1932, when the study started, standard treatments for syphilis were toxic, dangerous, and of questionable effectiveness. Part of the original goal of the study was to determine if patients were better off not being treated with these toxic remedies. For many participants, treatment was intentionally denied. Many patients were lied to and given placebo treatments—in order to observe the fatal progression of the disease.
By the end of the study, only 74 of the test subjects were still alive. Twenty-eight of the men had died directly of syphilis, 100 were dead of related complications, 40 of their wives had been infected, and 19 of their children had been born with congenital syphilis.
2. Unit 731
Unit 731 was a covert biological and chemical warfare research and development unit of the Imperial Japanese Army that undertook lethal human experimentation during the Second Sino-Japanese War (1937–1945) and World War II. It was responsible for some of the most notorious war crimes carried out by Japanese personnel.
Some of the numerous atrocities committed by the commander Shiro Ishii and others under his command in Unit 731 include: vivisection of living people (including pregnant women who were impregnated by the doctors), prisoners had limbs amputated and reattached to other parts of their body, some prisoners had parts of their bodies frozen and thawed to study the resulting untreated gangrene. Humans were also used as living test cases for grenades and flame throwers. Prisoners were injected with strains of diseases, disguised as vaccinations, to study their effects. To study the effects of untreated venereal diseases, male and female prisoners were deliberately infected with syphilis and gonorrhea via rape, then studied. A complete list of these horrors can be found here.
Having been granted immunity by the American Occupation Authorities at the end of the war, Ishii never spent any time in jail for his crimes and died at the age of 67 of throat cancer.
1. Nazi Experiments
Nazi human experimentation was medical experimentation on large numbers of people by the German Nazi regime in its concentration camps during World War II. At Auschwitz, under the direction of Dr. Eduard Wirths, selected inmates were subjected to various experiments which were supposedly designed to help German military personnel in combat situations, to aid in the recovery of military personnel that had been injured, and to advance the racial ideology backed by the Third Reich.
Experiments on twin children in concentration camps were created to show the similarities and differences in the genetics and eugenics of twins, as well as to see if the human body can be unnaturally manipulated. The central leader of the experiments was Dr. Josef Mengele, who performed experiments on over 1,500 sets of imprisoned twins, of which fewer than 200 individuals survived the studies. Dr. Mengele organized the testing of genetics in twins. The twins were arranged by age and sex and kept in barracks in between the test, which ranged from the injection of different chemicals into the eyes of the twins to see if it would change their colors to literally sewing the twins together in hopes of creating conjoined twins.
In 1942 the Luftwaffe conducted experiments to learn how to treat hypothermia. One study forced subjects to endure a tank of ice water for up to three hours (see image above). Another study placed prisoners naked in the open for several hours with temperatures below freezing. The experimenters assessed different ways of rewarming survivors.
From about July 1942 to about September 1943, experiments to investigate the effectiveness of sulfonamide, a synthetic antimicrobial agent, were conducted at Ravensbrück. Wounds inflicted on the subjects were infected with bacteria such as Streptococcus, gas gangrene, and tetanus. Circulation of blood was interrupted by tying off blood vessels at both ends of the wound to create a condition similar to that of a battlefield wound. Infection was aggravated by forcing wood shavings and ground glass into the wounds. The infection was treated with sulfonamide and other drugs to determine their effectiveness.
not suicide, death by hero
A: How do you go on?
B: What, you mean go on living?
A: Yeah..
B: Man, I’m just waiting for the opportunity to see a baby carriage roll in front of a bus so i can jump and push it out of the way and get run over instead.