At some point I have to ask myself, is this life worth telling. Not living, mind you, of course it is worth living. But is it worth telling?
I had said to him, at the very least to leave behind a legacy for my children, a transcription of who their father was and how he viewed the world.
At the very least, is it worth telling?

With teeth, always the teeth, too sharp but brittle, or the fear of brittle, of peanut brittle stuck in the gums, burrowed beneath until enflamed, until we all pick it apart with dirty toothpicks made of syringes.

Beats me and beckons me, all the failures, all the sorrow, relived and drowned, resurfaced and effaced, ebb and flow, awash in jetsam and splendor

You know what I miss about Albany?
I miss living in a hip neigherborhood where I still thought everyone was an idiot but there was good food, friendly people and a park we could stroll in just two blocks away.
I miss being isolated and having an excuse for remaining that way. We dodged so much and spent time pursuing each other instead. I miss locking myself in that little den in the front of the house and writing like mad while going through 2 pots of coffee and an endless amount of ramen noodles.
I miss waking up and sitting on the stoop outside having a cigarette while reading literature and watching the world hustle by. I miss watching people trying to squeeze their cars into spots I knew and they knew they couldn’t possible fit.
I miss the smell of burnt coffee grounds in the early morning.
I miss taking long ridiculous walks to just grab a video or eat some chinese and talking about our future, our lives, our politics. I miss standing in that bathroom and watching you dry yourself after a shower.
I miss that, I miss the tenderness and the time we had to languish in it.
But I wouldn’t change a goddamn thing today either.

Fits of sadness looking staring music attached time, time is so fucking fleeting and the nostalgia always, always this beacon of light, the present a perpetual darkness or is my hindsight clearer than any other?