my dearest ioanna,

I miss you. The you that used to be you. The you that barely had an idea of who these large shapes and figures passing you around were. Large teeth always bared with upturned lips, huge hands lifting you off the ground, pitching you into the sky. That sound that erupted out their mouths when you tripped or stumbled or tried to say something that came out silly but stuck in your throat. The you that used to be you that had no idea who or what you were, just a collection of feelings and senses and wonder.

I miss that you, but I also miss the you that became you -not the you you are now- but the you that came in between. The you that knew she had fingers and toes and moved around and wanted things and was denied things and played hours in silence and knew those big teeth belonged to someone called mommy and daddy and it was called smiling and that sound they made was laughter and their hands were either rough or thin but mostly gentle and there were other little ones like you but different, slightly taller, thinner, shorter, darker, wilder, calmer or just plain mean that you were enamored with, frightful of, wished for and were wanted by. The you that danced while playing. The you that was timid but also brave. The you that was shy and so desperately wanted to connect to everything. The one I would sing to, read to, comfort as we took your baby brother out of your arms. The you that loved him and competed with him.

And that you became this other you, a growing pains you, a morphing always changing in flux kind of you that was trying on her stubborn own to figure out where she fit and where they fit and how all the pieces could make sense if you found the right arrangement because this you, or that you, the you that was truly in-between all the previous iterations of you and all the iterations to come, knew in her heart it could be done. It had to be done. And this is the you that I liked the least. That is the you that terrified me because you went away. That was the you I couldn’t bear to watch because I had no idea of the outcome, I had no idea what I was seeing, what you would become. I was holding my breath because it could go bad, I might’ve never found you again, I might not recognize you afterwards. You might not want to recognize me. I think I missed you the most then, because you were gone and transforming but it was all happening right before my eyes and I really couldn’t do anything about it. You were you, doing your thing.

But now, there’s this you, the you before us. Galant and strong and always on the precipice. This is the you with a couple of hard edges, with boundaries, who knows her space and wants to carve her niche. This is the you that is learning when to take more and when give less. This is the you that is ready to claim what is hers. This is the you that has armed herself with the past to forge into the future. This is the you with an infinite amount of possibilities. An infinite amount of you to chose from, like accessories, like pieces of fine cloth, like a comfortable sweater hand picked from a thrift shop. I cannot say I like this you the most because I see all the you that came before and I thrill at the thought of all the you that will come after. This parade, this waterfall, this kaleidoscope, back and forth, of time.

What I can say however is this: it’s the you that you are and always have been. It’s the you I love the most.

-love, always
me