turning fifty is a funny thing. and today is really like any other. at least to me, it’s just another, the sun will rise, some people are going to reach out, some people are going to call to catch up, most people will text. and usually i treat it just like any other, i move through the day at the same pace and vigor and attitude as any other day. after all, isn’t every day a new one to start all over again?

but, and i’ve mentioned it before, turning fifty this year was different. it’s not hitting me today, it hit me when my eldest was accepted to college a couple of months ago. and not just any college, but the college of her choice, and i was floored with a bout of insomnia that i don’t think i’ve quite shaken off yet.

you see, we spend all this time setting things up for a future that will be better than our present. we live for a moment in time that is far from our grasp. we toil, we work, we save, we buy houses, we set up 529s, we set up 401ks, we vacation to get a reprieve, we occasionally treat ourselves but with a severe eye on what this splurge might mean for future savings. but Ioanna going off to college meant this future was no longer some unseen point around a distant bend. it’s not even miles ahead. it’s inches away.

we went to san francisco this year, and during a hike in the redwood forest our kids were walking ahead of us and it was just me and my wife, my partner, the true robin to my batman, and it was just us. they had suddenly gone out of sight, that’s how far ahead they were, and i mentioned to her, “pretty soon it’s just going to be us on this trail”

and ya, it was bittersweet and true, and it brought tears to my eyes, because that time was coming, and with Io getting accepted, it solidified. it was no longer a random emotional thought that came to me being exhausted from days and days of walks and hikes. it was happening, it was inches away and i guess, i guess i am afraid to actually grasp it. to grab hold of it, to turn the years of reaching for it, to actually closing my fist around it.

anyway, like i said, the cold hard fact of turning fifty hit me months ago. today is just another day. the sun is up and it’s beautiful outside. so, um, i’m taking hold of it. unless something goes completely sideways, i’m gonna check out the next couple of days.

(sorry for all the writing but i think you guys should be used to it by now. i used to say, “i am a failed writer”, but i think the one change i will embrace, starting today, is telling people, “i am also writer”)