and I will believe in children again.
And I can never be a child again but I will be something other for my own.
I will try to grow past the misery
and reach between the hiccup of her giggle and smile and find some comfort
beyond the 2 second fascination with her toothlessness
I will believe that I have a future without fear eventhough I cannot imagine it.
I will not imagine it in order to save myself from it.
And I will touch again my wife and feel again what it was like to be twenty with her and silly as I am silly again now with our child.
I will learn to forget shame and inhibition.
I will no longer crouch and I will no longer let myself linger in the madness of the night and the easy lazy sway of despair.
I will walk, I will straighten my back, I will run, I will make my heart beat mad from within to remind me of where it was when I was first born.
I will no longer try to settle debts with old demons but rather let them run amok. They do not have any hold over me for they are the engines to all this, the fears have driven me to make something more of my life than what it was.
It was the demons that brought my love to me, that brought me child to me. Random beauty from chaos.
I will believe.