it goes without saying, it goes on saying, speaking, rattling inside my head:
this isn’t you, it never was you, it was you all along.
and my head spins and my stomach churns, this sick pit
rolling around and across
i could have been more, i could have done less damage
i could have remained alone and unwanted and free of guilt
i could have had nothing and that would have been everything
but instead, instead, instead:
a daughter who loves me, a son who needs me, a wife that forgives me
how terrible all this, to feel so undeserving, to feel so much
to dread the days, not day, but days that i will disappoint them
over and over
this is not, this has always been you
hanging by a thread, hanging by a noose
clutching at them to save me, pushing them away
to save them from what i should have been