and there are times when the panic is so overwhelming that the sheerness of it cannot be contained, can barely be comprehended, how to keep on top of it, this struggle to get a hold of it at least, a foot hold, a toe hold, some sort of purchase, it always runs away from me for one reason or another, some thing, some series of things, always an excuse, never getting ahead of it, never even getting close enough to imagine an end to it, exhausting, exhausted, i never catch up, i no longer dream it, i can only hope from time to time to break the surface, catch a gulp of air and pray that i do not drown in the short run.