Talking to hilsenrad the other day. Not talking, texting.

there is a pervasive tendency to micromanage with utter neglect to providing adequate personnel, technical support and guidance, or to acknowledge the complexity of the work to be completed. if anything there are times it borders on willful contempt.

I have very mixed feelings about review time this year. I already see where my review is going, and I want to preempt some bullshit that I am going to see on it. where I have mixed feelings is, dude, they just dropped 140k into your account with zero monetary investment on your part. is it sweat equity? sure, 100% but like my wife said, “I was so excited getting a 200 dollar amazon gift card as a teacher, and here we are bitching about how 140k wasn’t enough”

but the irony is, it was good coin to get for sticking around and putting up with stuff. like there are people starving you know what i mean? u get perspective on our toils and i come off as petty

but at the same time, is this level of stress, not stress, but is schizophrenia worth it? dont think about the stress of it, rather, will the schizophrenia hurt my future payout? will the schizo perspective hurt the company the degree that it makes our effort worthless?

will the schizo attitude get me fired? get me to lose my mind? damage my marriage? Etc

Context: abacus has partnered with new investors. This is the second time this has happened, the first being West View Capital (https://www.wvcapital.com/), who eventually became our clients, and now FFL (https://www.fflpartners.com/), who are known to be aggressive in capitalizing on their investments.

This was a tremendously good thing. I was giving 2000 shares in the last 3 years or so and received a 140k payout when 70% of those shares were purchased at the end of June. From my understanding, this was a fraction of what the C level and Managing and more senior directors had gotten. What I am struggling with above is, was it all worth it? the first 4 years at Abacus have been awesome I was sincerely and madly in love. But the last 3 and half… have been brutal. I feel that I am constantly at odds with people above me. I question their lack of vision and disregard for details. I constantly hear the mantra, ‘let’s go over the high level.’ And I used to think that it was a question of moving the agenda along, to not get bogged down by the nitty gritty because we all knew how onerous those details were.

It has however, become the norm. they’ve become so used to glossing over the rough edges that they think those abrasions are polished and smooth. They have forgotten the work, the dirt, the grit that gets stuck under the nails, the gristle stuck in the maw.