While watching the movie, sudden horror of my mortality. Not sure what it was, but it was sudden and there and solid. In the middle of the living room, after an indoor jog, I tell her, how much longer can I lift 400 pounds. My little girl is in Arlington on the phone telling me how a fortune teller told her she’s an old should and has lived 47 lives.

47, a star trek favorite. It repeats. Does any of this repeat? No, it’s all at once, only once, then it ends and I cannot face it, still. Yesterday was the first day it invaded during the day. I’m a ticking time bomb. There are very few things I know, and this is one of them. The finality of death. I believe in quantum physics. I believe in high probability and the beauty of chaos. That is how I know that death is an end that is total and complete.

The best I can hope for is a quiet end of a long life, alone and she has been taken care of, I’ve seen her off and she will be buried close enough for the children to visit her that I won’t know it’s coming, it will not be on my mind, it’ll be a night like any other and everything will be taken care of, but I won’t know it.