if i hadn’t then i would’ve and then something or other would’ve burst like a balloon filled with water, stale and poisonous, shot through the air like a stain, and we all would’ve wondered where did that boy once go? he had been filled with such hopes and aspirations. and i would’ve ducked under fire hydrants itching my knuckles and licking the curb, because enough really isn’t really enough with these fucking nightmares of jaundiced skin and tobacco fingers when i sure as hell don’t even smoke anymore.
and where’s the reset button, not restart, re-set, set all this to happen someplace else and if it doesn’t work out that time, set to happen all to someone else. someone who’ll learn how to live and not be the miserable mess of fat and flesh that i’ve become. there are times when i can feel my intestines poke through and i’d love to grab a good handle on them and not yank them out, but pull them a little to the left or the right, in any direction but the one i seem to be going because it’s becoming unbearable and maybe it’s the night, the ghost halls and dead air conditioning, the empty streets pock marked and scarred with flipped cars and hazard lights.
but then my daughter, while i was on my back making believe i was a monster she killed with the toe of her one-sy, bent down ever so carefully as not to lose her balance and kissed my forehead.
All posts by manny@savo.us
if i hadn't
if i hadn’t then i would’ve and then something or other would’ve burst like a balloon filled with water, stale and poisonous, shot through the air like a stain, and we all would’ve wondered where did that boy once go? he had been filled with such hopes and aspirations. and i would’ve ducked under fire hydrants itching my knuckles and licking the curb, because enough really isn’t really enough with these fucking nightmares of jaundiced skin and tobacco fingers when i sure as hell don’t even smoke anymore.
and where’s the reset button, not restart, re-set, set all this to happen someplace else and if it doesn’t work out that time, set to happen all to someone else. someone who’ll learn how to live and not be the miserable mess of fat and flesh that i’ve become. there are times when i can feel my intestines poke through and i’d love to grab a good handle on them and not yank them out, but pull them a little to the left or the right, in any direction but the one i seem to be going because it’s becoming unbearable and maybe it’s the night, the ghost halls and dead air conditioning, the empty streets pock marked and scarred with flipped cars and hazard lights.
but then my daughter, while i was on my back making believe i was a monster she killed with the toe of her one-sy, bent down ever so carefully as not to lose her balance and kissed my forehead.
dreaming seeing wishing
i hate dreaming knowing it’s a dream and yet i still work through it, explore it try to change it no matter the oftentimes confused and confusing series of events and feelings. recently they’ve been powerfully nostalgic dreams, wish filled re-memories, where the past is mixed with the present, forgotten subplots of my life worked into today’s intricacies. and it’s painful in the sense that i know i am dreaming, that what i am seeing can never play out in the waking world, that this imagined past is not dead because it was never alive…
sometimes, even in waking, i have the edging fear that i do not like where my life is going.
and yet, and yet, i cannot see it any differently.
house hoping hunting
things with the house are moving forward, somewhat.
i never thought that buying a house would be this prolonged and complicated. actually, it isn’t complicated as much as it is rife with too many details and particularities that are almost bureaucratic.
in the time that we had begun looking for a house, my parent’s have bought 2 in the tampa suburbs and my in-laws made themselves a home in colombia (i forget if its an apartment, a small apartment building, or house proper).
we started in malverne, took a couple of glances into franklin square, but couldn’t touch lynbrook. headed to oceanside but what we could afford there we were not willing to live with.
briefly, we had a flutter with a cape alot like my parent’s in its exterior but couldn’t bridge the gap between their asking price and what we were willing to pay. came awfully close to that house in west hempstead, but that’s the one with the dug up trees and schools that were good enough for my daughter but not for the seller’s son.
we danced along the edge of oceanside in baldwin where the same house we saw in west hempstead was perched instead infront of a lake. and after we all signed the contract, we were dancing in the interim between signing and committing and closing. however, the seller’s husband didn’t fill out the proper paperwork for the work done to the house, nor did he file the satisfaction of their mortgage, and in the end we were out in the cold between thanksgiving and christmas looking for house number three.
ironically enough, the third house is located on third street and its the biggest of them all while also being the least expensive. lots of room needing lots of time and lots of work.
god knows we’re willing.
PLANETARY
-Decomissioned WORDWORK and deleted (‘DROPPED’) BLOG database in MySQL.
-Upgraded phpMyAdmin from 2.5.6 to 2.6.1. Added login feature.
-Moved GROUPWISE installation from PROXY to DATAMAIL. Upated MTA, POA, GWIA & WEBACCESS agents as well their CONFIG files. In addition, had to RE-LINK SAVO_DOM to SAVO_PO via ConsoleOneGROUPWISE Utilies
phpMyAdmin upgrade
upgraded phpMyAdmin on PLANETARY from 2.5.6 to 2.6.1
doesn’t it look purty?
this is a test
This is a test
of the emergency broadcast system
of broadcasting that makes emergencies out of us
of a system which we’ve been for quite some time
this is only a test
it’s only a dream
it’s only a test
this is a test of a dream
of dreaming up emergency systems that will save us
of emergency rooms without doctors
that will inform us
that this isn’t a dream
this isn’t a test
this is what i live for
when i come home at night, in the early morning hours after the end of the shift, sometimes she rustles up out of bed and garbles out in the dark, “Dahdee!”
with each crawl, step, gargle and giggle, children mark, and they are the mark of, our mortality .
and i am willing to give myself over to this churning, to this growing, i will finally give myself over to time and let it have its way with me as long as time cares for this one, as long as time makes all the time in the world for her.
before the time
he had been there before the time he hadn’t been and although this isn’t the right way to tell it, it had been telling for some time before it could be written.
he had washed ashore on her and although she would regret much of it later, she was amused in the beginning, as all these sort of things. her hair was soft, tickled his neck.
rumpled up into himself, he carried on, knuckles dragging along the wall. he would have bent up if he hadn’t left his spine between Broadway and sometime or another.
there would have more blue, if only it didn’t hurt so much and take away everything.
Bush Gives Finger
frankly, i’m not surprised