i wish i understood this need in me, i wish i could bear it and leave it alone, set it into its box and shuffle it away amongst other lost regrets. let it gather dust, let it bleed itself out. i wish time could indeed heal all wounds when i know precisely differently: time leaves mountain ranges of scars, an etched cartography of loss across fragile skin.

fistfuls of sleep hammer me into the sheets, i turn into the chill of morning, no blanket can warm me, no body to hold this tired skin, my face feels swollen, i am obese and it is all beyond measure, there are no increments designed for this, this sense of helplessness, of resignation, my son cries and i hold him close to me, curl around him, put this slab of meat i call a body to some good use.

i am the well without water. i am the tethered line holding you aloft by a single thread. i am the pins and needles before a heart attack. i am the stars in your eyes before you stroke out. i am the hand that wipes your brow as you take your last breath. i am the man that searches your corpse to find out who you were. i am the first love that breaks your heart. i am the clever lie told straight to your face. i am the worm in the rain. i am the cigarette that burns your lungs. i am what i am and one day you’ll wake up and realize you don’t need this shit anymore.

and i dreamt and dreamt and dreamt until i was so lost with waking up and looking at the time someone was saying “will you look at the time?” and i couldn’t put my finger on the voice whether it was a man or a woman’s instead i curled up even deeper into the silence and covered my ears they were wet because they were bleeding and the pillow was sticky but i couldn’t look at my hands i had to keep my eyes shut but there they were opening again and again and the time wouldn’t change and all i kept thinking was everything adds up to being left alone everything adds up to this everything adds up.