the tensions pulling me apart, keeping me whole. i was told, often enough, i was a pain junkie, that i got off on it, the pitch of despair, the dark rebellion. i really need to rewrite all of this, but life isn’t like that, there is no rough draft, only unwieldy appendages, unyielding. it’s all quite alright if you circle the rim and not get caught up in the tide. it’s nonsense i know, but it comforts me like nothing else, not even the bottle or the bed or the fleeting oblivion promised by each.
Category Archives: words
hands of thorns
down the rabbit hole we go, hand in hand, arm in arm, off to see the wizard and have a bed time story read. there are three things to remember two of which i’ve forgotten but the least important of which is never to forget the other two and i smelled something that was intestinal and it was good. here we go again with the levees bursting around us and an undefinable anger permeating the sheets. i’d keep it safe and sound if my hands weren’t made of thorns.
the alternative shatters me into rage
but the alternative shatters me into rage and tears and remorse and an overwhelming sense that you were meant to be alone, that all the nightmares are going to come true, and there is a comfort in that, that you were ultimately right.
how absurd, how absolutely insane.
rigmarole
rigmarole, how do you spin, spoon fed on codependency and nostalgia? you are so beautiful, like an over turned car set aflame in the middle of the highway with no causalities. honesty is brutal and such a weapon in the right hands. he swung it against me such force that my forehead exploded into something not quite human. we stream this all through the night, tossing and turning and never coming back again.
disappearing
how romantic to cleave yourself out of a life. how utterly selfish and cruel. I cannot rewind or undo or forge forward. but i am suffering, they are suffering. i cannot reach out to her. i can barely reach them. i do not want to be reached. i am failing at this. i am a failure. i have failed you all.
slap images
play fetch:
man coerces dog to pee into urinal loaded with moth balls
which he then proceeds to swallow one by one
royal roast:
king visits royal stables to select hog for tonight’s roast
then proceeds to rutt with it while giving it a reacharound
blow her mind:
man cuts off the top part of his lover’s skull
then proceeds to fuck the crack
between the left and right parts of her brain
structural damage
i have built this tremendous thing, it is awe inspiring, it takes up all this room. more importantly, lives depend on it. so many lives wrapped and entwined. i study the foundation. she says to me, you’ll have ruined my life. i take a step back but do not know how to admire it any longer. it presses on me. but i do not know if the fault is with my sight, the time of day i’ve decided to regard it, or the structure as a whole. what i do know is that i can never rebuild such a thing again: it’s taken me far too long.
hurricane
pounding on glass to break out to break in to beat her to beat him to beat them into a bloody mess of jealousy and rage and glass and skin. this is what she says to me, this is what makes me smile. we sit back and breathe, trying to control the situation. my brother says to me, you’ve been out in the rain too long and it’s getting to you, these grey skies are getting to you, you need to get of london, what about rome? i’ve roamed enough, i say, and take her hand and we walk off into torrents and downpours, into mass hysterical moments of naked aggression and sex in parks. this is what i am, she says to me. i reply, this is what i’ve become
always liminal
always in this liminal fucking state yearning for the american dream and an alternative to property ownership, career instability and 401k’s shoved down the back of the throat. i can’t help but stare. i am staring and do not know how to shift my gaze onto some epiphany and resolution to all of this. i never wanted this for myself, for my wife, for my children. how did this happen? how was i convinced? why was i convinced? why have i become unconvinced? where is the lack?
he says to me, why boy, isn’t it obvious? nothing wrong with it or the rest.
you are the lack, you are the despair.
captain fuck-all
the heckler, all the time, he screams at me, how are you doing that boy, how could you possibly think you could that? you ain’t superman, you aint even captain canuck, you’re captain fuck-all.
and of course i try to drown him in scotch and mourning and racing the car through tight cobblestone streets.
it only cheers him up.
hey captain fuck-all, this is some wild ride in the back seat here. it’s like a roller coaster, but without the rails, or the belt, or any common sense whatsoever.
i pitch the junk of metal that is my car right off a cliff. how about that for a ride?
hey, what is that your problem captain fuck-all? what is your motherfucking deal?