the compression of that
slow thing into a snowball
fist of hate and rage from something
beautiful like the shiny points
a fork makes plunged deep into the belly
of forgetting. i had said once
in the beginning, i know
how to disappear,
and the curb stretches even further
away from reaching it. i chew
my knuckles to keep them
from breaking
Category Archives: words
at any given time
you have only one chance at this at any given time. the moment has left before you have even begun to comprehended it. hence the ghost of the stairwell. the haunting that comes after when you suddenly realize what has truly happened. the mind takes it all in too late, too sourly, too slow to spit back the proper response. there is no response but the one you made without thinking. it goes on like this. constantly, not stopping. how horrible. not stopping. without stopping. no room for it, gone just like that. to be in the moment, to be present, to be conscious of the how quickly it all goes and to take it all in. to empty the mind so that it is filled with the moment you are living. too soon, too soon, just like and it is gone.
fake it
the beautiful thing about children is they simply cannot fake it.
in all this noise
there just isn’t enough to keep up, for the up keep, daughters breaking games for attention, newborn sons mewling for their bottle and the day goes by just like that, and you have to put this desire away and that yearning away and that bit of frustration that would normally have you put your fist through a wall you set aside to show your daughter this is how you hold a slice of pizza to eat it like a grown up and you tickle your son while his mother makes him a bottle and you feed your wife while she feeds your son because her back is broken and you push the rest of the day further back into the night until you can finally get here and jot down the remnants and even so even so despite it all it takes your mind off everything else it takes you away you from yourself you find some peace in the midst of all this noise.
unkept beast
the beast within me is never asleep, it does not know slumber. it always only muzzled and chained, it growls through the night. it makes me restless and angry without cause. it drips hungry saliva as it paces around. it is mangy and unkempt, its teeth yellowed but still sharp, gnarled claws scratch the floor. it sniffs around for escape, it perks its ears for any sign of exhaustion. it is beautiful and desperate. relentless and cunning. it is all the things I keep myself from being.
piercings
stunning and broken, orange seeds down the chin, sticky lips and a mist of rain that washes across the fender. all things come to the road, all things leave it. it begins and ends with exhaust, finds her fingernails before exhaustion. he tears at it, the canvas, the grass, the skin of an organ slick and wet and pulsing, nothing inside, black jelly, wet ants thick like gravy, warm and overflowing. i had dreamt this, she said and laughed as she pierced my ear, my eye, hooking a silver chain on both ends and tugs me to her.
getting off on my cruelty
she asks, do you get off on your cruelty?
and I said, yes, yes I do. it makes me what I am, it gives me strength. it tells me that I am just as evil as what’s out there, it tells me I can keep those I love safe. it tells me I am capable of anything. something I forget from time to time, living this blessed life that I have.
wash over
I rearrange networks and set up firewalls and it does nothing to keep the damage out. it strikes her suddenly, a slap across her face and nothing I can do will undo it, she bears with, she rides through it. and all I can do is bear it with her, hold back my own frustration that nothing I ever do from beyond that point will wash anything else I do clean.
relentness need
and the madness of babies and children lies in their relentlessness, they need you, and only you, and no matter how inadequate you truly are, how worthless and inept, they need you because you are there, and will always be there, always been that pin point where every mark begins, where every other word will echo throughout their lives, it all begins with their needing of you and what you do with it, how you respond to it, how much you give into it, and in the surges and pitfalls of your frustration and despair, you will make them into what they will be one day and i bite my lip when my son cries with abandon because he is hungry yet again and i bite my tongue when my daughter asks for something other than what i’ve made her and i sneak off every chance i get to take a drag and the moments are fewer and fewer but then the boy smiles at me once i come in and it’s like the sun and my daughter runs into me and hugs me tightly like summer and i want all this need to keep going, i want all this need to wipe me out, i want this need to erase me so that they can grow into something beautiful in the void i leave.
mad money
something about
anger two folded fists, knuckles ripe
like gripping a steering wheel and jerking it off road
into blooming fields rife with bone dust and lilacs
laughing i said to her, all it takes is money
all we need is money to make everything alright
and barely holding onto our children in the back seat
she asked, is that all?
and i veered back on road and nodded my head viciously,
damn straight, damn fucking straight