they never have names. it’s always you, he, she and them. faceless and nameless, always shifting, dancing from one person to the next. as if they were all one and the same but far too many to hold still. as if it’s always been a panic of person and place, of desire and regret. as if you were the memory and they the life you had lived a long time ago.
joy ride?
“did they say that it was a joy ride? a fucking joy ride?” he lit a cigarette, remembering, it was after their first fight. he pulled hard and exhaled, annoyed, “a fucking joy ride. man, that’s some fucking nerve.”
daffodils and trauma
there were cracked turtles, shells shattered just a little bit, licking their wounds but completely high because of it, like they got off on the pain and he caressed one with a tendril, cooing it bird songs designed to appeal and the other tendril wrapped around her waist pulling her closer. he whispered, “the sky is purple with my desire.”
to which she responded, “the clouds have made the lake dizzy.”
and there were leopards neon green and small, like midgets on the lam that climbed around her shoulders and buried themselves in her hair. they peeked out occasionally, eyes glittering with contempt and loneliness, like severed lips without a face. she said, “come here, i have a lump in my throat”
slowly he dug deep until she choked out nothing but butterflies like tinfoil and spit. she was wretched with embarrassment. “surely” he said, looping both tendrils around her, thighs to hips to belly and breast, “you must be joking.”
and even as the leopards yawned lazily, pawing at his nose, he leaned closer and added, “all bruises heal ceaselessly, like magic, like air the lightening leaves after thunder.”
hope vs despair
hope is never as sexy as despair
yours and only
hey boy, he said, crouching down beside him, listen to me boy.
and the younger man couldn’t tell the difference between his lungs and his chest, his ribs and his skin, he felt his nails digging deep into his sides and he wanted to claw his skin off. what, he spat, what, fucking what?
boy, he leaned in closer to lock eyes, to grab the younger man’s attention, to have him focus. you listen to me, you feel it don’t you?
the younger man was rocking back and forth, biting his bottom lip.
but you going about it the wrong way, the man shook the younger man’s shoulder, you’re trying to get rid of it boy. he grinned, yellow tobacco stained teeth, grizzled chin, wisps of grey hair blown across his eyes.
the younger man clenched his teeth and finally broke the skin.
it’s the only thing that’s truly yours, he stood up and appraised him one more time before they would start again, it’s the only thing that remains.
he helped the younger man get back on his feet, shaky and sweat drenched. he looked off to the horizon, the sun was setting. now stop fuckin’ about boy. we got work to do.
me
you vile wretched piece of shit, you sad fucking stain of a human being, you gutless worm, you touch anything and it spoils and rots, you’re a fucking disease, you leave blisters on everything you love, you’re an infection on everything that’s decent and human, you’re a forgotten cum stain, you’re an abortion, a severed tendon, a split lip. that’s all you are, fucking damage, you fuck damage, and damage everything you fuck, you’re a fucking weapon, there is no kindness in you, there’s nothing fucking human about you, you mongrel, you cunt, you use people, you break them, you gut them out because you have no heart of your own, you fucking liar, you empty shell, you waste of fucking meat, you and your sad flabby skin, your pathetic little cock, you’re a vermin of a man, you’re just fucking vermin, fucking kill you, i should fucking end you, fucking put your head through a window and cut your fucking neck, put a fucking end to this shit
i turn away
i turn away and he’s blowing me kisses. i turn away and she can’t wait for me to leave. i turn away and i hear him scream before he dies. i turn away and he says i love you. i turn away and it’s night all over again. i turn away and my mother has lost her mind. i turn away and never answer their calls again. i turn away and my friend loses a child. i turn away and my child has no hand. i turn away and she does coke with him. i turn away and she says i want you to come inside me. i turn away and she says i want you to have a heart attack right now, i want you dead right now. i turn away and don’t say i’m sorry. i turn away and he says sorry for all the things he’s done to me. i turn away and she says she’s sorry for the all things she’s done to me. i turn away and they say her child could be mine. i turn away and i can’t stand to look at her child. i turn away and at 80 miles per hour let go of the steering wheel. i turn away and it’s suddenly dawn. i turn away and let go of her hand one last time. i turn away and he’s dead. i turn away and she’s dead. i turn away and there were tic tacs by his broken body. i turn away and he looks like clay in the casket. i turn away and she has me in her mouth. i turn away and she has him in her mouth. i turn away and they all leave. i turn away and she’s says she doesn’t know, it’s different now. i turn away and she says i’ve ruined her. i turn away and i’ve broken her. i turn away without stopping.
the trick
my boy, he said, gristle stuck between his two front teeth, my boy the trick is to believe the lie you are living.
i get that, i said, whittling away at a branch we had found. pieces split from the blade landed on the stream, floating downward. i’m not stupid you know. i’ve done this sort of thing before.
yes boy, he shook his head, tried with his tongue to get at the gristle. yes, you have but this is a different sort of thing. they’re all wise to our kind these days. you see the stupid ones get plastered all over the news. they even had a documentary once.
he finally fingered his tooth and inspected what had been caught there. it was a between infomercials, i dont think anyone noticed it.
he flicked it away, which isn’t the point. they know we’re out there and we have to be careful. he pointed a thick finger at me, you my boy, you just starting out.
he smiled, new territory for you.
you cant say no, can you?
you fucking fool, you cant say no can you? you cant muster the fucking courage and say no to this wretched fucking existence, to this fucking parking space of a life, to your cock in your hand jerking off uselessly into the mouths of rats
you cant say fucking no to the lice you pick out of your crotch and swallow. you cant say no to the whole world fingering your caked and dry asshole. you cant say no to the split and torn mess that is its pussy, clotted and thick and full of choked fetuses and you put your mouth right on it, and lapping it up like a stew, like the stray fucking mongrel you are
you cant say no to jamming one dirty needle into your balls and thrashing it around until the urine and blood and sperm blend into one and the pressure shoots a stream out your sack as you pull the needle out and slide it your into your nipple, not even a fucking twitch you sad sorry bastard, plunging it along, hitting the plunger, shitting yourself, hot and itchy down your leg, the needle even deeper, you cant fucking say no as it pierces the aorta and you shoot it all up, your cum, blood and piss, right up in there, right into the blood stream.
you realize, clumps of feces around your ankles, what you’ve completely forgotten in your little cocktail, what you’ve left out. you pull the needle out, bend down and scoop up a handful. of course, of course, you fucking cant say no, can you?
head twat
like most men, she made the mistake of thinking with her twat for the short term without using her head for the long run.
sometimes i wonder if i would ever know how truly greedy she was.