1.
There are many things to write, one after another. It�s hard to keep track. It�s hard to keep all the things in one place long enough to put a word to it. So then it comes down to lots of words. Like a parking lot. A lot parked of words. A lot of parked words waiting for their trunks to be opened and one thing and another fit in, one after another. Too late, too late, like a highway. Try to catch a thought at eighty miles an hour for a center spot in a lot like this.
2.
A March baby. The ides of March. Ioanna of the winds, in like a lion, out like a lamb. Will you cry and keep mommy frayed at the nerves? Daddy�s like a cut tree: rootless and felled, hard to move at the sound. I dreamt you and of you. Still not real even with my hand on your mother�s belly in the dark, every night and morning.
3.
Eighty on the way home, surreal state until someone else swerves, or the tires feel like they�re going to buckle, then it�s jagged edge and fear and more surreal than ever. Will I ever get home? Can I stop here? Or maybe here? Sunlight over the edge, shot through the eyes, skidding across pot holes, home stretch and the last cigarette of the night plumes the lungs.
4.
What will I pass down unto to you? Ted says his two sons are remarkably different already. The child is born made, not molded. Already and the oldest has only just broken four. The younger is barely two. And you can tell, even from here, you can tell. Already different, one listens the other�s unruly. One plays with you, the other finds you in the way. Barely an impression, or at the very least, it doesn�t seem that there�s been an impression yet to have been made. Already there, marked distinct, fingerprint of God.
5.
She could not measure the heartbeat, the fetus would not hold still, no markers to be made of this child. You got a wily one here.
6.
You are no longer strange to me and I find a pocket there that I would like to snug into, crook in your neck that I want to nuzzle. A little bit of beast for you that has been tamed. And I can only go on like this for so long, putting it to words before I realize the immensity of not being able to put any word to it. At any angle, the skin tone is the same: always soft, full hue, fresh and thin skinned, as if fresh skinned, rice paper, delicate but never fragile. You�re my crumbly girl, but you endure. That�s what you�ve gotten from your mother, a quality of perpetual endurance.
7.
There was a time I could bang out a page in under five minutes. It didn�t always make sense, but there was a stream, a well worn stream, but something to dip into nonetheless. It�s taken over forty-five minutes now in 2004. You�re only two months away.
dreamed a dream
i dreamed a dream of death and
desire
and i was not alone
and i was very afraid
to think the thought of her again
think the thought of holding her tight
and for it not to be the final grasp
of her
only to leave this world with the thought
of holding her tighter and not being
able to
and not feel anything at all
but the fear of dreaming dreams of death and desire
I cannot possibly be well like this
He was ecstatic with the joy of circumventing himself, or was that circumcising? What’s the difference anyway, it’s the rounding out, rounding about, severing through and lopping off, the cutting free as it were, the relief of one little less stump to worry about.
I cried often as a child, often to myself, often to the voices that comforted me and coaxed me to live one more day longer. Now I’ve gotten so used to living that the idea of death terrifies. I’m too comfortable in living, in my tidy thoughts as erratic and dismembered as they are. I’m not getting any younger and the more my youth escapes me, the more I wish to reboot the system and start over, knowing full well that it’s too late, all too late, I’m doomed on this path and there is no hope of ever living out my writing, or leading a writer’s life: peace, solitude and a little royalty check every month to cover the expense of a little house by the sea. Yeah, none of that for you boyo. You should never have gone to Bronx High School of Science to escape all those clowns who are now doctors and lawyers, never dropped out of high school because you couldn’t bear to live and all those clowns became stock brokers and scientists, never gone off to Albany (because John Jay was a good move although you fucked up there too, you got into a program that was excellent for the likes of you, that whole parallel and lateral thinking, that interdisciplinary shit you’re so keen on) and stayed for fucking five years investing in a doctoral program that was so mired in politics and pretension that by the end of it, by the time you busted your ass through the doctoral exams you couldn’t even write anymore, what good was that?
I feel a tremendous need to struggle out of this skin, rip the meat off the bones and exchange them for something else. I’ve grown fat, I am no longer lithe (I was always fat as a child, but then sprouted up and through rooftops in my teenage years; although I was no stunner then, you could see my cheekbones and the outlines of my abs), I am lethargic, suffering the beginnings of a mid-life crisis when I used to tell people I would not live past twenty.
I want a tattoo of my wife’s angelic face on my shoulder to comfort me when all the voices have left me, as they have been, one by one, over the years, leaving back alone in the darkness where they first found me, naked and churning, shivering, crawling, raking, waiting to breathe.
Mother, father please explain to me this blood in my veins, why it runs hot and cold, why I burn bridges and freeze out corners of my heart. Explain why I want to run away, not run backwards in time, but sideways and straight out of it, I want to keep my head together in death, even if that means living another life. Explain to me why there isn’t anything more than this and why this sack of meat lives so hard and true and clear like it’s all never supposed to end. Explain to me why when the world stops, I lose track of time and there’s so little time left even when there’s all the time in world? Explain to me when exactly I went mad because I cannot possibly be well like this. This is not the way I was supposed to leave the world, this is not supposed to be the life I would give my wife, my child. This is not supposed to be how things turned out in the end, especially when the end is nowhere near in sight.
Twist and twist it all around, trying to make the old sound new again. Reverb off the common sense and make the senses work to make sense of it. Everything old is new again only if you knock it out of shape.
I did not tell you of the dream
I did not tell you of the dream
Where I wept
Sleeping
Awake from the arms as you
Or the sensation it had been
Around the corner dream
The corners of my elbows raw
From having turned away from
The dreaming of a dream
Weeping, wept of having not told.
I did not tell you of the fascination
The twisting turn
Of this side into something wondrous
Unscathed but scathing
That something else having me by the hook
And little left of pretensions
To be fascinated once again when I well
Thought I was no longer fascinating for.
I did not tell you that, nor this.
There are so many things I have yet to say or tell
But that would be telling and there’s so little time for secrets
But so much time for love.
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in view of labors twirling on his tongue
in view of labors twirling on his tongue, he writes, he wishes he wrote more, he wished he lived more, sometimes he wishes for a life more than this one, where he was more than this one now writing the lament of writing a little less than one liked to, for living a little less than one liked to, for wishing for more than one would have taken the time to have wished for.
And sometimes, late at night, the terror grips me again, plucks my heart and fingers its valves. It’s only thirty years ahead at worst, but she laughs and says it’ll be like tomorrow and this memory will be like yesterday and i push all the breath out to keep from breathing death in.
I cannot write anymore about not writing or the desire to write or the lamentation of what i was and am and could have been. I should only write and be writing and think nothing else but the pushing on and her and between the sheets the fucking how good it was the other night, not nrew years night where she fucking me to make me cum there at the end tracing her finger along my nuts as she leaned back on top of me and i thought how unfair and i wanted more of it, but i knew she wasn’t having anymore of it and that’s what her on, what brought her fingernails on my scrotum and i thought how terrible unfair and ludicrous and terrifying to be bringing in the new year in this way considering that it marks you for the rest of the year, but not that time, the time before, where she was on top again and leaning out over the bed suspended like a bridge between ecstasy and something else that’s tender and soft and ain’t that just grand to feel something real when you’re holding her in your arms, suspending her across the shaft and you feel her lips, not the lips she smiles at you with, but the lips that accept your manhood for all little that it is, and it was so good because let’s face it you felt that you were so good and sometimes you need just that.
There he walks into a room and see that chairs toss asunder. I had helped him through that rough patch with her when she was stealing from their mother who might or might not have been my mother or aunt as well in another lifetime but it wasn’t the right time to ask about it besides that dog just got amputated from cancer and hobbled around.
I wish for things to stick themselves in my head like in Nylund’s Signal to Noise, where people speak to each other in metaphor’s but there’s also something not quite right about that and even he author himself writes the obvious of our times: the increasing complexity and strength of our communication devices brings about greater degrees of i(n)solation. I wish to be done with endings.
He walks into a room and find the phone ringing. He answers it although he hasn’t answered a phone in a long time. There is silence on the other end, a tangible quality like a back end of a window pane.
No, no that isn’t right either, but near the end of the page and I’m rusty.
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Crimping RJ45 jacks
O-W, O, Grn-W, Bl, Bl-W, Grn, Br-W, Br
gristle
Waking up is the hardest part. Between the dream and the warmth of the sheets, there is a denial of the world outside, there is a safe place from which you do not want to crawl out of. There on box springs and mattresses. There’s hope that the life you are living is not your own, that for a brief moment, everything hangs and it hangs away from your reach.
Then something crumbles away from your eyes. Something loosens and you begin to slip, as if you were falling upward, as if the cliché was true all along: you can’t take it with you, and you suddenly shake with the small fear that this was all indeed a dream and there’s a mild horror in that, that you were falling in love with a dream and that you were safe and now you never were, now the funhouse begins all over again and you can’t do a damn thing about it.
All sleep begins with denial, that you are not in danger, that the world is quiet enough for you to close your eyes to, that you can simply turn your back on everything and not expect anything to happen. That it’ll all still be there when you’re done.
I spend so much time sleeping because what lies in my hands rots and stews and stinks up the inside of my nostrils: the tracks are well worn and the scabs have yet to heal. I haven’t touched a needle, or let a needle touch me for years, but the sores are the same nonetheless. Like yesterday. Like her hands putting the pressure on the thigh and holding the bit between her teeth.
I would see it all spread out and bend and the corners of her eyes become like snakes, like rabid rats crawling up my crotch and this gentle stroking in my head for her to bite and feed on my scrotum and we would tumble and pass out and the next thing you know awake and starving and sick of each other, sick to our stomachs crawling through living rooms out of houses, into calm morning streets to find some idiot to pay for the next hit. But I had it all together. No one had a handle on me.
air response
hollowed out
by the flight
away from you, the waiting
to return
to you, flying through gutters
the anticipation of waiting
over and over, for this to be over
to be flown over these mountains
in opposite directions
i would go around the world
vehemently returning, again and again
to your embrace, for the soft coo
that everything will be alright
everything is alright
being right with you
sets the world in the right perspective
that is sorely lacking
from this view of rocky mountain tops
and mid-sized cities sprawling
out of despair
scrawling curbside notes
in a nearby kinko’s
waiting, breathlessly
to fly home.