the sudden sense of failure, of internal implosion: i want to be free of this, i want to stand absolutely still and have it overwhelm me, have it wipe me out finally and completely and totally. i want to stop feeling everything and nothing, i want move beyond feeling broken.
All posts by manny@savo.us
zen or distraction
the same again: will i ever find peace? will i ever be complete and whole? work and wife and children and still, still this fucking pain with each breath. working out, chiseling a body long abandoned, reading fact and fiction and theory and science, and still, still: ennui and void, entropy and emptiness, pathos and pain…
are you happier or more pre-occupied? have you found a rhythm to dance to or more rabbit holes to scurry into? zen or distraction?
it's so loud, inside my head
there are times, late into the night, in this haggard breath the moon coughs across these streets, i feel this intolerable loneliness, this immense and profound sense of isolation: this skin is a prison, my mind a cell and every word i have ever said a betrayal of every word i should’ve said.
drive bile
I had the weirdest dream: I didn’t know exactly where we were, it could have been Athens or New York, but my father, Savopoulos, just showed up, alive and not dead, alive and just as young as i remembered him. We were all shocked and when he invited to take you and I to the casino, we went. It was dark and I was in the front seat, you were in the back, and he was driving. We didn’t say anything: I couldn’t believe my eyes. How did he stay so young? Where were the years? We would look at each other, but neither of us could say anything. How could we, we were riding with a ghost. But as we approached a bridge over a very wide river, I could tell he was tired and falling asleep. I told him to let one of us drive and at first he would not let go of the steering wheel. When we almost crashed we struggled over the steering wheel and he finally let us drive. This time you sat with me up front and he slumped into the back seat. As we drove back home, I kept staring at his reflection in the rear-view mirror until I finally asked him, “So if I didn’t kill you, who died? Who died for you?”
I woke up with bile in my mouth.
face time
the problem, of course, is time-
(always time, menacing thief, exasperated lover, begrudging teacher of all things wonderful and fragile and finite and splendid and alive and ultimately dead)
-a world away from another world, more corrupt, more simple, less stratification, less nuance –
(this is not true at all, if anything there is a greater range of nuance to the greek language and people, a constant analysis and counter analysis, examination and burial and excavation)
-and there is no catching up, no synchronicity: it’s impossible, they are literally living in the future, 7 hours at a time.
(perhaps this is why facebook works for them the way it does: a record of their likes and dislikes, not a catalog of where they are every instant [this ugly new trend of people “checking in”], mini websites and blogs, expressing themselves through found internet art, music videos, pictures, in photographs: they are broadcasting onto a monument against time, for those of us living out of it, for those of us tracing out the future through their past)
away we go, paros bound
away we go paros bound; shoot through economy class, coach straight into business, stride on in and fuck it: even the luggage takes a table.
and of course it’s all fun and games against the tide and the nausea kicks us all in the gut and we toss the sesame bread rings we ate just minutes before.
arrival and everything is as you left it and not at all as you remember it: wasn’t the tavern on the beach? weren’t the buildings whiter? barkers less persistent? “Hotel cousin? Where are you staying? Come with me!”
in greek, in english, the language of commerce and despair share the same grammar.
arrival, greece, 2011
it’s a set of emotions that tumble: you’ve been before but it’s all strange all over again. between the years, joining the eurozone, imminent bankruptcy and the life inbetween: booming infrastructure and frozen wages. spectacular vistas interrupted by unfinished bridges and tunnels. Athens is rife with graffiti, mistrust and resignation: things have always been this way to some extent where the rich abscond and plunder through the resources of a country densely packed with the poor. pockets of ethnic ghettos form within and on the outskirts of the inner city and resentment seethes as the native population refuses to acknowledge their own complicity in the economic situation of the country: everyone’s out of work but they’re also enjoying a frappe in the platia while they bitch about the latest influx of pakistani’s.
Strength/Endurance Cycle, Week 5, CARDIO 2
Insanity.10 Max Cardio
92/79 (166/143) 857/52
Strength/Endurance Cycle, Week 5, BACK/LEGS
OOO.304 Base & Back
No Kip Pull Ups 15
Plyo Frog Squats 26
Wide Leg Close Grip Chin Ups 11
Chair Jump Squats 18
Spinning Chin Ups (Switch Grip) 17
Plyo Runners Lunge 23
V-Pull Ups (L) 17
Spinning Fighter Squats 23
Kippy Pulls 17
Jack-in-the-Box Knee Tucks 9
No Kip Pull Ups 12 neg
Plyo Frog Squats 23
Wide Leg Close Grip Chin Ups 9 neg
Chair Jump Squats 19
Spinning Chin Ups (Switch Grip) 16
Plyo Runners Lunge 13
V-Pull Ups ( R) 13
Spinning Fighter Squats 21
Kippy Pulls 12 neg
Jack-in-the-Box Knee Tucks 9
Strength/Endurance Cycle, Week 5, SHOULDERS/ARMS
OOO.112 & 104 Shldrs & Arms
Pike Press 17 FOB
Military Press 50/10
6 Direction Shoulder Fly 10/10
Pike Press 16 FOB
Military Press 50/8
6 Direction Shoulder Fly 10/10
Pike Press (Deep) 13
Shoulder Fly 35/10
Lean Over Fly 20/11
Pike Press 13
Shoulder Fly 35/10
Lean Over Fly 20/11
Deep Arnold Press 30/11
Upright Row Y Press (Lunge) 30/10
Side Throw Back on Bench 15/11 FULL
Deep Arnold Press 35/8
Upright Row Y Press (Lunge) 30/10
Side Throw Back on Bench 15/11 FULL
Sitting Bicep Curls 45/8
Forearm Curls 25/10
Lying Tricep Extensions 37.5/10
Sitting Bicep Curls 45/8
Forearm Curls 25/12
Lying Tricep Extensions 40/8
Incline Bicep Curls 40/8
Reverse Forearm Curls 20/11
Tricep Kickbacks 40/10
Incline Bicep Curls 40/8
Reverse Forearm Curls 20/11
Tricep Kickbacks 40/11
Bicep 21’s 30/770
Forearm Sandwich 15
Sideâ€Triâ€Rise 19 FULL
Bicep 21’s 30/773
Forearm Sandwich 15
Sideâ€Triâ€Rise 19 FULL
Crazy 8’s 20
Off The Butt Forearm 20/10
Hammer Curls 30/10
Tricep Throws (w/2 Dumbbells) 37.5/10
Crazy 8’s 20 FAILED!